- This morning walking to the office, a middle-aged blonde woman in front of me knocked over street vegetation and Canada post mailboxes as she cursed out loud. Followed by her, two men who seemed to be on their commute to work patiently waited for her to finish her scene, then restored the street vegetation and the Canada post mailboxes to its upright position.
- I recently came back from a trip to see my partner. It was a trip, but I was working in day time. Work was a little chaotic. It perhaps is a startup life: you spend weeks iterating and aligning stakeholders on something, and at the very last minute before the deadline, that something is invalidated and you need to scrap whatever effort that went into it. But I found equanimity in my partner’s presence, despite a little bit of ups and downs. The painful part of being visited, my partner said, is that you have to watch them leave. I’ve never thought it that way before, but since coming back from the trip, I slowly understand it.
- The other day, I went to gym after work. Normally I would find things to listen to, like a 1-hour podcast or some upbeat pop playlist, but this time I kept my phone in the locker. My head was so congested like a rush hour traffic that the last thing I wanted to do was listen to other people talk. I didn’t want to listen to anything, nor did I want to talk to anyone. The voices in my head were so physical, it was almost as if gravity had an effect on them. I could feel words circulating my body in breaks between the sets. I was continuously plucking flower petals one-by-one: Am I? Or am I not? Then I would be reminded that I took more break than I should have. Sit down, then the next set. Recursion.
- Close relationship feels most challenging among any kind of relationships. Because we our so similar, disagreements makes it all the more painful. At night lying in my bed, I was staring at the ceiling thinking that I’m totally right (I hate this stubborn quality of mine). The next day I woke up thinking: actually, nothing that I did feels right. This is not something doing the right thing would lead to. Such realization stirred up an old set of fears about how painful it was to be deprived of something you felt you needed. An unsatisfied need will, in due time, annihilate me.
- I would say I want to rely on you, and I truly mean it, but I have no idea how to rely on anyone. I’ve always met my own needs. It was the only way I could transplant myself in foreign places since adolescence. How does one unlearn the very thing that makes you you today? It feels to me like the grandfather paradox — that if you travel back in time and kill your grandfather, then would you ever come to existence.
